If I was a fascist dictator.

By Ben Hutchings

People will want one soon, because fascist dictators make a difference. They just get shit done and don’t give a fig. Here is what I would do:

New Art Law:

Artists would be forbidden to explain or discuss their own art. Works would remain untitled by the artist. An exception can be made for landscapes and portraits but the name must simply refer to the subject. This will make the quality of art increase by 400 percent. Any artist found breaking this law would have mittens sewn to their sleeves, and be gaffer taped into a motorized wheelchair so everyone thinks they can’t draw but are also disabled.

Also, the wheelchair can only go backwards.


TV will be totally banned. This is to encourage flip-books and Kamishibai and comics and reading and playing piano and the guitar.

You can still buy DVDs from JB though, but not bloody Family Guy ones, which shall not only be banned, but returned to the manufacturer with bombs attached to them.

Punishment of people I don’t 100% agree with:

We’d have an Annual police strike day, just to make anarchists cry but also to have adventures. Then we could have a technology, medicine and science strike, just to make hippies cry. Then, to make homophobes cry, introduce a mandatory bum-sex law that doesn’t apply to women or men over the age of say, 33.

Speaking of hippies, tabla drums and bongos are to all be banned. You can stab the tops of them with a ballpoint pen if you ever see one.

Slidin’ about:

I’d put in a flying-fox and waterslide transit system. For the winter I propose sort of futuristic tubes like in Willy Wonka. Or maybe just stick with trains like now. Either way, all cars would be banned but not taxis cos they smell nice.

New Racism Law:

It will be illegal for white Aussies to give their opinions on racism because I’ve just decided their opinions aren’t that valid as people who probably experience it from time to time.

Bullet trains:

I’d introduce a Shinkansen linking major cities. Maybe not Darwin or Perth or Adelaide because they are too far away to care about, but the ones on the proper side. I wouldn’t just introduce it either, I’d get someone to build it.

Perth and Darwin and those ones can make their own special system. Maybe because it’s really hot out there, they can have a super-fast flowing canal linking the three which you can jump in if you get hot or bored. I’m not paying for it though.

Improving culture:

A couple more major cities can be plonked in the desert. Just to bump up the population a bit and make Australia a bit less sort of, I dunno…
They shall be called Mega-City One and Mordor. The second one can be all evil! Canberra can then become the capital of NSW as well, and Sydney is to be demoted to the capital of just say, the beach and my arse.

Punishing of the Melbourne Cup:

The New Melbourne Cup day can be just like the current one, except it can fuck right off. This is about the only time Christian groups are ever right about anything, so we can humour them and change it to Family day or whatever it was. Family and Togetherness But Also Moral Courage day or whatever the fuck.

New Hat Law:

Hats with brims in Melbourne must be filled with water and a tiny duck put on it.

If you agree to my proposals, then I’ll take over as soon as I get the guns.Catch you in the glorious new dawn of Ben-evolence!

General Hutcho.

Tags: comics

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